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02 February 2014 @ 07:26 pm
Not to Break (Fic, Sam/Dean, NC-17)  
Title: Not to Break
Rating: NC-17
Pairing: Sam/Dean
Warnings: incest, explicit sex, language
Spoilers: Up to current ~9.12
Word Count: 2,145
A/N: Written for my dear slf630 's birthday <3 Inspired by the Cary Brothers song 'The Glass Parade' (lyrics included at the end).

They move together with practiced ease, finishing one another’s thoughts and sentences, the proverbial puzzle pieces cut from the same cast. Even when time separates them for months – sometimes years – they always find a way to fall right back into step, a dance they’ve been doing since they were teenagers.

Except that this time, they don’t.

They make clumsy, rookie mistakes – obvious clues overlooked, missteps nearly costing them their lives. Still, they keep stumbling forward, eyes fixed stubbornly on the finish line. Sam is always just a heartbeat away – riding beside him in the car, asleep in the next bed over – but he’s never felt further away. He won’t even talk about it, not since that last conversation and the words that still echo over and over again in Dean’s mind even weeks later.

I just can’t trust you anymore. Not the way I should be able to.

He gets caught up in his own head sometimes, clawing at the edges in frustration, wracking his brain for what he could’ve done differently. But life has always been a tragically fucked-up ‘Choose Your Own Adventure’ book and he damn well knows how it’s going to end someday, so it doesn’t matter, not really.

Dean wavers on his feet for a second before slamming the motel room door shut behind him and sinking down onto the edge of the mattress. He grimaces as he shrugs out of his jacket and a sharp jolt of pain pierces through his side, stopping him cold. Still, it doesn’t even come close to the constant ache deep in his chest, the hollow emptiness and the voice in his head whispering over and over again that all hope is dead.

“C’mon, lemme take a look at it,” Sam says quietly.

“It’s not that bad,” Dean replies. But he doesn’t protest when Sam shoots him a skeptical look and drags a chair closer to the bed to sit in front of him. “Just a scratch.”

“A scratch, a scratch. Tis enough.”

Dean huffs out a laugh but then winces again, glancing down at the crimson staining the front of his torn-up shirt. They’re both silent as Sam lifts the hem and frowns at the sight of the shredded flesh still oozing fresh blood all over Dean’s belly. He swiftly rises to his feet and returns just a few short moments later with freshly washed hands and a first-aid kit.

His hands are steady as he cleans, stitches and dresses the wound, but he’s clearly agitated, his breaths coming in short, ragged bursts and his eyes flickering up to Dean’s face every few seconds. The pain is still there – somehow both dull and sharp as razors – but he’s detached himself from it, tucked it safely away into a corner the way he learned to do when he was just a kid.

They’re both so incredibly broken – like two sides of a mirror shattered by deceit – but the warmth of Sam’s touch is immeasurably comforting just like it’s always been. Sam – as big as a tree but gentle as the breeze flowing through its leaves. Sam – who unconsciously quotes English literature at the most inappropriate times, but especially when he’s anxious and trying his best not to break. He’s as endearing as he is infuriating; has been for as long as Dean can remember.

“So are you tryin’ to get yourself killed out there or somethin’?” Sam finally asks. He exhales slow and shaky as he carefully smoothes out the gauze covering Dean’s torso and secures the last corner of tape in place.

“No. Just tryin’ to do what’s right. What we have to do.”

“What we have to do,” Sam repeats. “You think that somehow gives-“

“Sammy,” Dean cuts in. “Please, just… not right now, okay?”

Sam sighs deeply and then nods after a few moments, reaching out to rest his hand gently upon Dean’s knee. “You hungry? I can run out and get you something to eat.”

“Nah. Maybe just- do we have any more of those pills?”

When Sam moves over to the other bed to rummage around in his duffel, Dean tries to scoot further back on the bed but his body suddenly protests, the wound across his torso sending pinpricks of pain blooming over his skin. Sam’s there beside him in an instant, grabbing him gently under his arms to guide him back against the pillows. Dean obediently settles and watches as Sam breaks one of the painkillers in half, then guides it between his lips. He closes his mouth and swallows it dry, silently willing the drugs to work quickly – to blot out the pain and the sorrow, to let him sink into warm, blissful peace even if just for one night.

It’s eerily quiet for a few moments, then suddenly Sam’s arms are around Dean’s shoulders and he’s burying his face against the crook of his neck, his breaths warm and steady against the heated flesh there.

“Sam?” Dean mumbles. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” Sam replies. But he shifts even closer, dropping one hand down to rest on Dean’s hip even as his other comes up to thread his fingers through the too-short hair on the side of Dean’s head.

“But you- I mean, I thought-“

“Jesus Christ. Will you just shut up and let me do this?” Sam huffs, pulling back enough to raise his eyes to meet Dean’s.

“Do what?” Dean blurts out.

But then Sam’s lips are suddenly on his, warm and wet and that’s as far as Dean’s thought process goes before everything else is blotted out by a sensation he’s missed more than anything he’s ever missed before. It’s been too damned long – with Sam so sick from the trials and then a creepster angel squatting inside him – so long that Dean can’t even remember the last time they were together like this. He moans into it, his whole world tilting and spinning wonderfully as his tongue twists with Sam’s and his hands instinctively come up to thread through his brother’s hair. They’re both panting unevenly by the time they pull away, and Sam hesitates just briefly before dropping his hand down to palm unabashedly over Dean’s crotch. The friction alone feels amazing, even through too many layers of cotton and denim. He catches Sam’s wrist to hold it there, thrusting his hips up into his brother’s touch.

“I wish you weren’t all beat to hell right now,” Sam remarks.

“I think that’s the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me,” Dean replies evenly.

Sam rolls his eyes and gives him a wry smile in response, but he still pauses with his hand on Dean’s belt buckle and then raises his gaze, wordlessly asking for permission in a way that only Sam knows how to. He hasn’t looked this unsure since he was a teenager, all clumsy grabby hands and eager kisses stolen under the cover of night. Instead of replying, Dean reaches down to help, the muted clink of metal and leather suddenly magnified about a million times over as it slices through the silence between them. Now Sam’s hands are sure and steady as he reaches into Dean’s briefs and squeezes gently, swiping his thumb through the moisture leaking from the tip. It feels incredible somehow, even though he’s not doing much more than just cradling the stiff flesh in his palm.

Sam scoots a bit further down and then smiles faintly up at Dean before tugging at the elastic waist of his briefs. He’s so hard that it’s kind of starting to ache, so the release of pressure as his cock springs free is a relief more than anything else. Dean’s mouth falls halfway open as he watches Sam dip his head, too-long bangs falling across his forehead when he sucks the swollen crown between his lips. He unconsciously holds his breath, silently watching his brother slowly swallow down his shaft, nostrils flaring; lips stretched wide and his cheeks flushed pink.

Dean blinks hard, feeling suddenly like everything is moving in half-time despite the pleasant buzz of arousal coursing through his veins. His attention snaps back into focus at a slight movement near Sam’s side, and he has to bite back a gasp when he realizes that his brother’s hand is shoved down into the front of his own jeans. He can’t see exactly what he’s doing at this angle, but he can surmise as much just by the flex and ripple of Sam’s bicep over and over again.

“Sammy, c’mere,” Dean murmurs, tugging at Sam’s shoulder. “C’mon.”

But Sam shakes his head, brow furrowing slightly. Still, he lifts up and swipes at his bottom lip before sitting upright and giving Dean a small, mischievous smile. It’s been so damned long since Sam’s been happy – really, truly happy with no angel-mojo involved – that Dean instinctively mirrors his grin. His eyes track Sam’s movements as he pushes himself up to his knees and slowly undoes his button and drags the zipper down, peeling open the flaps of his jeans to reveal a pair of tight grey boxer-briefs that Dean recognizes as his own.

There’s something undeniably comforting about the utter lack of boundaries between them – the fact that Sam dug through Dean’s duffel without a second thought after showering this morning. Maybe he ran out of clean ones of his own, or maybe he just missed him as much as Dean missed his brother, too. There’s a dark spot just under the waist where Sam’s arousal has soaked through the cotton clinging to his muscled flesh and Dean can’t help reaching out to touch. He tentatively swirls his fingertip through the slippery-wet moisture then hooks his fingers under the elastic to shove the material out of the way.

“Just sit back, all right?” Sam murmurs. “Don’t want’ya to get hurt even worse,” he adds, tugging his own t-shirt up to bunch under his armpits.

Dean watches silently as his brother throws one long, lean leg over his thighs to straddle his waist, his butt coming to rest gently upon his lap. He grabs a hold of Dean’s hand and threads their fingers together to wrap both of their throbbing lengths, just like they used to do when they were young, when things were still new and terrifying and exhilarating, not unlike they are now.

It won’t last nearly as long as either of them wants it to, but it doesn’t matter. Dean tugs his lip between his teeth and watches as Sam guides their combined lengths to thrust steadily in and out of the tight cage of their fists. Sam’s brow is furrowed in concentration, his eyes half-lidded and his breaths coming harshly through slightly-pursed lips. He’s fucking beautiful when he’s like this and it’s one of the most wonderful things Dean’s ever been blessed enough to witness firsthand.

“Too close,” Sam mumbles, grumbling quietly under his breath.

“Me too,” Dean assures him, biting back a smile of his own. “Come Sammy, c’mon.”

Sam rushes to cup his free hand under the head of Dean’s cock just a split-second before his climax tears through him, sending sparks of pleasure coursing up and down his spine, pleasure blooming under his skin. Dean’s eyes dart up to his brother’s face as Sam’s cock twitches and jerks against his own, the warmth and wetness of his release combining with Dean’s, smearing over his sensitive flesh.

Once their movements gradually slow to a stop, it’s suddenly too quiet again until Sam carefully shifts over and the mattress springs protest quietly under him. He reaches for the box of tissues on the nightstand and busies himself cleaning the both of them up for a few moments.

“I missed you,” Sam finally admits. “I missed you so God damned much.”

“Me too. I meant what I said before, too,” Dean replies, giving his brother a quick sideward glance. “I really am sorry. For- for everything. I knew what I had to do- and I tried. I swear, I tried to let you go but it’s like I just don’t know how to.”

“I know,” Sam whispers. “I get it. Believe me, I do.” He leans in closer and presses a soft, chaste kiss to Dean’s temple before settling down beside him, one arm curled over his waist.

“So what’re we supposed to do now?” Dean asks. The timing sucks, but the painkillers are really starting to kick in now and he can barely keep his eyes open anymore. He blinks a couple of times, watching in distant awe as the shadows from the cars outside twist and move across the ceiling.

“We do what we have to,” Sam replies. “What we’ve always done. It’ll be okay.”

It’s the last thing Dean remembers before he drifts into a peaceful sleep, his arms and legs still tangled together with Sam’s as the car lights outside fade slowly into the night.

Just a voice inside your head
Whispering all the hope is dead
All the times you had to prove
That no one really loves you

I found you in a reflection
You didn't want me to see
I will give you all I have
Just look up, break down and believe

This is a glass parade
A fragile state
And I am trying not to break
And the stars are shining
The moon is right
And I would kill to be with you tonight

Wish you told me all the truth
So afraid to face an absolute
All the fights you had to lose
All the fear was put upon you

I found you when you were broken
Too many cracks of deceit
I will give you all I have
Just look up, break down and believe
This is the feeling, falling
So much I want to say
Show me the same emotion
Show me what's at stake
And how much can you take
When you realize your fate?

Hold me now as the car lights fade
And we are dancing in the glass parade
Dancing in the glass parade
We are dancing in the glass parade

--Cary Brothers

 
 
 
( 26 comments — Leave a comment )
Sabrinaslf630 on February 3rd, 2014 05:39 am (UTC)
*sniffles* Dude... The lyrics to that song. I've never heard it before. But damn...

Ok. *deep breath* You wrote fic for me!! I knew you were but it still makes me incredibly happy. :) Especially considering that I know how hard it's been for you to write lately. But not only did you write, you wrote me fix-it fic! This was awesome, bb. Seriously. I loved it. *happy sigh* Thank you so much, m'dear. *hugs* I <3 you.
imaginecoolname: Dean/Samimaginecoolname on February 3rd, 2014 07:25 pm (UTC)
A Very Happy Birthday, hon! *smishes you* Hope you had an amazing day and many, many more to come! ♥
Sabrinaslf630 on February 4th, 2014 01:54 am (UTC)
*smishes you back* Thanks, bb!
Sakurasakura_no_mi on February 8th, 2014 08:12 pm (UTC)
Gah, sorry it took me so long to reply to this. But you know how happy I am that you liked this, right? :) I'm just glad the fix-it-ness of it all didn't come off as too cheesy... hell, even if it did, the boys so desperately need to get back together so... yay? Anyway, thank you for having a birthday and inspiring me to write again, hehe <333
Sabrinaslf630 on February 9th, 2014 02:20 am (UTC)
Hehe, no problem, glad I could help by being born. ;)
peepingdrupeepingdru on February 3rd, 2014 05:48 am (UTC)
WOW!!!!!!!...Happy Birthday Brie...x0x00x0x0
 photo tumblr_mub02wXvkt1sh6dcwo1_250_zps65e5407b.gif
Sabrinaslf630 on February 4th, 2014 01:55 am (UTC)
Thanks, Dru! Mmmm... nice. Happy birthday to me indeed, Lol. ;)
Sakurasakura_no_mi on February 8th, 2014 08:12 pm (UTC)
Yowzaa! Thanks Dru, glad you liked it :)))
Amy WWamyww on February 3rd, 2014 02:26 pm (UTC)
That was so good. I hope they talk like that in the show.
Sakurasakura_no_mi on February 8th, 2014 08:13 pm (UTC)
Thank you!
Andiepaper_storm88 on February 3rd, 2014 05:28 pm (UTC)
Yaaaaaay you did it!! *rolls around in fic* This was so good. Just the right mix on angst and schmoop and hope that things might eventually be okay. This needs to happen in the show dammit!!! I mean, it won't, lol. But it should! Also I looooooooove Cary Brothers. The songs Ride and Honestly are two of my favorite songs ever. I'm not sure I've heard the one you put at the end, I will definitely need to check it out!
Sakurasakura_no_mi on February 8th, 2014 08:14 pm (UTC)
Thanks bb! And yeah, writing is hard! Thank goodness Brie had a birthday that kinda lit a fire under me to try and write again. Did you check out the song, The Glass Parade? It's so incredibly Sam & Dean this season, it's crazy!
Andiepaper_storm88 on February 10th, 2014 04:26 am (UTC)
I did check it out!! And it's gorgeous like every fucking one of his songs, but also holy crap SOOOOO SamandDean this season!!!! I love new songs for my Wincest playlist.
imaginecoolname: Dean/Samimaginecoolname on February 3rd, 2014 07:27 pm (UTC)
Sweetie, this was wonderful! We are all in desperate need for fix-its, I think, and as always you gave us something so beautiful. A perfect mix of angst and hopeful schmoopy re-connecting - thank you so much! :) A day you give us a fic is always a happy day in my book. *hugs*
Sakurasakura_no_mi on February 8th, 2014 08:15 pm (UTC)
Thank you! I'm so glad you liked it :) The boys need fixing so badly right now, gah. I wish I could write fix-it fic all day long, hehehe.
ash_carpenterash_carpenter on February 3rd, 2014 08:59 pm (UTC)
Gorgeous and angsty. Now, if only they'd show this...
Sakurasakura_no_mi on February 8th, 2014 08:15 pm (UTC)
Thank you, m'dear!
There's a scientific explanation for that: Sam - want some of this?hugemind on February 4th, 2014 08:02 pm (UTC)
Oh, the angst and the fixing and the hope. This was all kinds of wonderful!
Sakurasakura_no_mi on February 8th, 2014 08:16 pm (UTC)
Thank you so much for your lovely comment!
kinkajoukinkajou on February 4th, 2014 09:48 pm (UTC)
wow, amazing! <3<3<3 I really needed this <3
Sakurasakura_no_mi on February 8th, 2014 08:16 pm (UTC)
Thank you! <3
twnchesterangeltwnchesterangel on February 6th, 2014 05:32 am (UTC)
Oh wow. I'm with the majority here in that I'm soooooo happy you wrote this! I know writing is so hard to do right now. I loved this. Especially after this last episode, my poor broken heart needed this. Dean's thoughts, his guilt, his misery and hopelessness is soul crushing here. I'm not ashamed to admit that I teared up just reading his thoughts. And Sam. God, I miss this Sam. I want him back, dammit. Dean NEEDS him back. Once again, you've given us angst, schmoop, and crazy hot boy lovin'. You never ever disappoint. Thank you for this and I'm keeping my fingers crossed that we'll get more from you soon. You're such an amazing writer and you understand the boys. Thank you. *hugs*
Sakurasakura_no_mi on February 8th, 2014 08:18 pm (UTC)
Thank you, bb! The boys this season make me want to punch myself in the face, but you know that. It sucks even more 'cause they're making writing so difficult, LOL. I'm glad to hear the fix-it fic did the trick in this case, at least temporarily. Thank you as always for reading & for your awesome comment! <3
deezy_y: Sam and Dean hug intimatedeezy_y on February 9th, 2014 01:29 am (UTC)
You made my achy breaky heart feel better after watching the last episode...kept thinking 'they're killing my boys'...thanks so much for helping me deal with my pain and misery. :)
Sakurasakura_no_mi on February 17th, 2014 08:22 am (UTC)
Thank you for reading & for your sweet comment! Fanfic will always be there to fix our poor, broken boys <3
angelskiss: Dean/Sam - Afterglow #2 (B & W)angelskiss on March 30th, 2014 11:23 am (UTC)
Very sweet. If only the writers would catch on. ;)
( 26 comments — Leave a comment )